Everyone’s knows the swipe steady app with the bad rep to go with it, having no experience with such apps before, as I am in currently in a long-term relationship (stating that clearly now, sorry Will!). So, I will openly admit I was intrigued with the prospect of being the ultimate catfish to some poor, swipe-happy blokes for 1 week only.
I downloaded the app in the company of my friend, a veteran tinder user. One of my better decisions as I had absolutely no idea on how to complete a whole profile in a way that would make me sound even remotely alluring; the ultimate facade we’d all like to elude to any potential suitors. I’m far too out of practise for any of that! After a rampage through my camera roll for that ‘best selfie’, I concocted an utterly fake but endearing bio, and followed it up with a meticulously chosen ‘top anthem’, I was ready to hit the small screens.
What followed was cringy, sometimes hilarious, other times eye opening whirlwind of a week with an app that is all-consuming. The ball was always in my court and as some boys were near triumphant, others were far from the podium. My advice to any boys at this moment in time would be to avoid using chat up lines unless you have a thick skin and balls of steel. I’m about to show you why…
The complimentary ones;
- “Have you ever been given a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you” (Slightly flattering I’ll admit, C for effort)
- “Are you related to yoda, because yodalicious” (This one might be my guilty pleasure, a giggle could not be helped)
- “Are you beaver? Because dam” (I’ll accept this one’s game, well attempted)
- “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple” (*snorts* BORING)
The egotistically, cringe-worthy/far too long-winded…
- “Now I’m here, what are you other two wishes” (you sass-king, r e s p e c t)
- “I’m thinking of becoming a superhero. Shall I be Spider-man, Batman or your man?” (smooth criminal)
- “So, when your friends ask us where we met, what are you going to tell them?” (Does one, love oneself by any chance?)
- “You couldn’t handle my best chat up line… because my mum said it was really clever and I could get any girl I wanted with it, and we both know that mums are always right” (zzzz almost snoozed off during that essay fella and the mum mention isn’t going to tickle anyone’s fancy)
The sexual ones (the unsurprisingly dominant category):
- “Do you have a map because I’m looking for a way into your pants” (Not really sure what this guy was trying to insinuate here, the sexual gratification he’s obviously on the hunt for is hard to find amongst my other body parts or…? He just needs my location in coordinates? Either way, it was a poor, marginally insulting effort)
- “On my last date, we played strip poker. We stripped, and I poked her!” (short and sweet, he can have some credit for that but, a Facebook poke-joke was so 2009)
- “I know your busy today, but can you add me to your to-do-list?” (Nope)
- “I get like an animal when I let my beard grow, so you’ll have to settle for a lion here”(Complete with creepy lion-mating-meme and a classic winky face – Ew)
- “Are you from Ireland? Because every time I see you my d*ck is Dublin” (Appreciate the thought that went into the word play, but no mate, that isn’t getting you that booty-call you so desperately desire)
So, lads and lasses in a sad age where face to face contact rarely happens, and apps have taken over our lives. I guess you better make those one-liners count! Or just ask someone out on a date like back in the olden days…
One more for good-luck, my favourite: “These are my best pickup limes”.
By Meg Clayton.